How it all began!

So as I said in my previous blog I am going to start writing out how I grew up and became to have depression and ptsd. I honestly don't know where it actually began so I am going to start from the first moment that I remember being "traumatic". I was almost 5. I got up in the morning and my father was wearing his coat which was odd. He knealt down to me and told me that he made a mistake and that he had to move out. At the time I was still "daddys little girl" so obviously I was hurt. I thought it was all my fault. (later in life I learned the truth). He left that day and then it was just me and mommy. I remember having visits at my dads house on the weekends. He lived in a rooming house so it was a little studio apartment. I didn't have my own room. I didn't mind though because I got to visit him. I remember there were times when he was supposed to take me but he couldnt. I don't remember the reasons but then again I was only 5. I remember my mom and i moved into a new apartment across the street. Eventually she got a new boyfriend and things seemed good.
There are a few sparatic memories that pop up where I remember the cops coming to my house and I remember one time they wanted to arrest my mom. It was in the middle of the night and I woke up and I remember begging the police not to take my mom. I don't know if it was because of me or what but I remember they told her to keep the noise down and if they had to come back they would take her. Now that I look back it probably had something to do with her drinking. Eventually we lost the apartment and ended up moving to a motel. I was 6 or 7 at the time and it was me, her, and her boyfriend all living in this little hotel room. We were there for a couple years. I kept going on weekend visits with my dad. He was now living in an apartment with his new girlfriend (who I had known since I was 4) and her 3 kids. He got custody of me for a short time. I went to school in the town we lived in for i think 3 days and then one day the priniciple called me to the office. When I went down there my mom was sitting there and she told me that I was going to go live back with her. I don't remember much from these years but those are some key things that I do remember. I was 7 when that happened. Eventually my mom and her husband divorced and we ended up staying with a friend. I loved that. My moms friends daughter was the same age as me and we got along great. It was like I had a sister! My mom starting dating someone new, he seemed nice. I remember one night he brought me and my mom and my friend all out to the movies, we went to see Jungle to Jungle. We were the only ones in the theater that night which was pretty cool. My mom eventually decided to take her relationship with him to the next level so we moved in with him. That is when the cycle that defined who I am today really started. That will come in the next blog.

Update

Well I haven't updated in a while. Life has been pretty hectic. I am now 30.5 weeks pregnant and getting bigger every day. Been struggling with my anxiety lately. I am trying to control it but it is hard not being on my meds. I have gotten into crocheting, even opened a webpage on fb to try and sell some items. If you want to follow it the link to the page is https://www.facebook.com/DTMCrochet. It is just now beginning but I hope to be able to start a steady clientele so I can continue to be a SAHM. With my anxiety getting to me I am thinking about writing about my past experiences that have caused me to have depression/anxiety and PTSD. Hoping maybe getting it out will help me cope with it better. I have tried therapists and everything else but none of it seems to work for me. So I think every week I will write a new blog about what my life has consisted of. Put it all out there hoping maybe I can help someone. IDK we shall see. So yeah that is a quick update in a nutshell. I know its isn't much but I have a lot to do today! until next time :)

Wow! A Lot Has Happened!

So, it has been a few days since I have written. In those few days quite a bit has happened. Where to start. So as you know I went on a crazy coupon clipping spree. I actually went on my first decent couponing trip. I am quite proud of myself actually. I went and got a few things, not too much, I don't want to be like you know an extreme couponer or anything. So anyways I went and I got $61.85 worth of stuff for...*drum-roll please*...$27.10!!!!! Now I don't know about you but I think for my first real couponing trip that is not bad at all.

Those clear shampoo can conditioners, I got them for $2.50 a piece, that might sound expensive but considering they run anywhere from $5 to $7 a bottle, that is pretty good. So any-who that day started out great. It didn't end so great. 

First off let me give you a little background:
My mom has been staying with me (she is an alcoholic). She got out of rehab a couple months ago and I told her she could stay with me to get back up on her feet. I told her the only rule she had was to not drink. I don't want it around my kids and I don't want to deal with the stress. I know some alcoholics are okay but my mom she is the type that when she drinks she just mumbles under her breath and makes snide remarks and talks about how bad her life is and has been and just goes into major depressed mode. She can also turn very mean. So anyways I didn't want her to drink staying in my house. Well when she came and stayed with us she agreed that she would stay sober. She ended up going and getting a job (awesome!). And you know what she did, she started drinking. At first it started as she wanted 1 beer for her birthday. I didn't want her too but I wasn't going to argue, what was one beer. I told her I prefer she didn't but she did and I was with her the whole time and once we got home she had that one beer. OK things were great. Until she went and tried to bounce a check at the store next to my house to get another one. That was when I put my foot down and was like OK no now you are trying to take advantage of it. So she got a little upset but it was like whatever. Now we have had a couple beers in the fridge for WEEKS. We offered to get rid of them for her if it bothered her being in there, she said it didn't so they just sat in there. Well one night when I was at work I got a text from Mike (my fiance). Apparently while my mom was coloring with Damien at the kitchen table she wanted to put one of the beers in a Pepsi fountain drink cup she had. WHAT!!! First off you know I don't want you drinking in my house and now you want to drink while you are coloring with my son! NO! So mike told her no and that was that. Well everything was good she ended up getting a job and I told her to please not to start sneaking booze now that she had a job. She swore up and down she wouldn't and to have faith in her. It was kind of hard to have faith when she did what she did previously. So she goes into town for her orientation. she comes back later on that night drunk. I don't mean a little buzzed I mean DRUNK! She apparently had borrowed money from someone and went and got alcohol. So her and I end up fighting. I tell her you now what I am done I am not doing this anymore I don't need the stress I am pregnant I don't want my son around it. Damien ends up crying because he hears us fighting, so Mike takes him for a walk and explains the best he can that my mom is sick and its not his fault and all that. So she ends up going to bed and promises it won't happen again. Stupidly I believe it. Time goes by and things are great again. Then one day she gets home from work and she is fine. As the morning goes on I notice that she is starting to act like she has been drinking, so I call her out on it. Of course she denies it. Well she was storing her stuff in Damiens room and I hear her in his dresser (she kept some of her clothes in there) and when I went to walk back there she closed the drawer real quick. So when she went outside to smoke a cig I went and opened the drawer and what do I find, a bottle of vodka! IN MY SONS DRESSER! I was irate I dumped it and tore her apart! That was my final breaking point. But we let her stay because we needed her help with me going on maternity leave soon and what not. Again I made it clear that that was not OK, if my son had drank that thinking it was water it would have killed him. So again she stay sober for about a week and then the day of the couponing trip was when I had finally had enough. I meet her in town and went shopping and she went to walmart to get her prescription. When I meet back up with her she was already drunk. This was at 9:30 in the morning. We got home and I confronted her again and was like come on are you kidding me. I have told you if you don't stop I am going to kick you out and cut you out of my life. My son had even asked her to stop. It turned into an all day argument. It all turned out to be my fault of course because "no matter what she does it is never going to be good enough for me" (her words). She said she didn't get what the problem was and no matter how many times I told her it was her drinking she just didn't seem to get it. So I had to make a hard decision and I told her it was time for her to go.

I don't know where she is staying or whether she is still working. I do care and I do love her she is my mom but I can't continue to be stressed out and I don't want my children to bear witness to what I had to grow up with. I am trying to break the cycle of abuse and chaos that has plagued my moms side of the family for years. And I can't do that with her poisoning my life. Some people may say I am cruel and that what I am doing is wrong but you know what, I know what I am doing is for the best. What I wrote up there is just a small portion of all the chances I gave her, there was a couple more times she drank and there was one time where when we went to get the rest of her stuff from her old apartment her ex tried to choke me. But that is another story for another time.

Any-who so after she left we continued on with life. I celebrated hitting 24 weeks of pregnancy!

The same day I hit 24 weeks I ended up getting sick. Not just me though, me, my son and Mike all were sick. It hit me first at about 9 pm Monday night. It was not fun, puking and stomach ache and diarrhea...ugh...then at about 11-11:30 pm it hit Mike. When he is sick it really kicks his butt! I felt so bad because I though I was the one that got him sick. The next day we were still in bed all day and I got a call from Damiens school that I needed to go get him because he was now throwing up. Of course though about an hr after I got him home he was fine (I love how kids can bounce back like nothing!). And sure enough we later found out that Mikes daughter was also sick. She didn't have it quite as bad though. So we think we got a mild case of food poisoning from a pizza we had Sunday. Poor Mike had it worse though because he ate like half the pizza. Yesterday we were all able to get up and actually function. As of today everyone is better, I still have gurgles in my stomach though and mild pooing problems lol.

Yesterday I wanted to go food shopping because it was Mikes day off. (also I have a TON of coupons I want to use for this trip) but you know what, I live in NH and mother nature had to come snow on our parade!

Ugh, I hate snow. So we had a day in the house relaxing. I played scrabble with Damien and he almost whooped my butt....almost! It was a good day. Then I decided to make something new for dinner. I made lasagna. It was my first time doing it on my own, it came out looking good but I think it was missing something. I am not sure what though. Mike said it would have been good if I put pepperoni in it. (I need to remember that next time!)

So that has been my last few days. I hope tomorrow I can go grocery shopping, and I also hope that my stomach is back to normal! I don't like being sick at all!!!...Well, until next time :)

Nesting? I think yes!

So yesterday was a busy one for me. When I got up I decided that I was going to do my hair and makeup (I usually just put it up in a bun and throw on some eyeliner) After I did I felt so good about myself that I decided It is probably going to become and every day occurrence. (I did it today too). It definitely gives me the confidence boost I need. Damien had early release from school so he was home around 1:30. When he got home I had him do his homework and let him play Xbox for a little bit. I know, I know!!! I am trying to cut him down on it but I figured he has been doing pretty good in school so why not reward him. As I was sitting at the computer messing around I looked at the desk and realized all the clutter...ok i didn't just realize it I have known about it but it really started to bug me then. (Nesting maybe?) So I logged off Facebook and started cleaning off the desk...taking everything off of it and wiping it all down and reorganizing and throwing things away that we really didn't need..2 hours later I was finally done...YES 2 HOURS!! Now that I had done that my energy was all up and I was in a zone, a cleaning zone. So I went to the kitchen and warmed up some leftover spaghetti for Damien for dinner. (My fiance was at work and I wasn't that hungry so no need in making a big dinner) After he ate that I had him get his pajamas on and brush his teeth. I put a movie on for him in the living room and went to do the kitchen...I did the dishes wiped down all the counters and the stove. cleaned the table and swept the floor. When the dishes were dry I put them away and in the process of doing that I organized the pots/pans cupboard and the Tupperware cupboard..I wonder how long it is going to stay that way? Prob not too long. By now it was about 6pm..Now I am a night person, I have never been a morning person. So I don't know if I have been bit by the nesting bug or if I was just amped up from cleaning for 3 hours, but I went into my bedroom and decided to tackle the paperwork. My fiance keeps all his in a box and I have mine in an accordion folder. We recently got a filing cabinet but we don't have any hanging folders for it yet so I haven't put the papers in there. I also had a stack of papers that i have just been tossing in my room that I hadn't gone through. So I went through those and sorted them into like piles. I opened my fiances paperwork box and OMG!!!! He tries to organize it but every time he does he gets halfway through then stops. It is funny because he is a very clean guy, he will clean the house from top to bottom but when it comes to his paperwork, nope lol. So I spent an hour going through all his paperwork and organizing it and putting it all in folders and everything. I had to stop at one point to put Damien to bed. Finally after I had a pile of garbage on the floor and all the paperwork organized I was done! It was now 9pm. I knew my love would be home from work soon so I needed to wind down a bit. I washed my face put my hair up and threw on some comfy clothes. I grabbed a bowl of fruit and a book and curled up in bed and read till he got home. I tell you what I slept great last night. And to think I still have some more organizing and stuff to do. I will get it all done. Yep I believe I have officially been bitten by the nesting bug!. Until next time :)

Coupons, baby clothes and spaghetti.

Wow, yesterday was a busy one. I am getting back into couponing and spent all day clipping and organizing all my coupons. I made a coupon book with a 3 ring binder and some baseball card sleeves. I was up till almost 10 pm looking at different ad's and putting e-coupons on my loyalty cards. Damien was very wired yesterday, I think I am going to have to call his doctor and get his medication adjusted again. I tell you what sometimes having a child with ADHD is a full time job all in its own. But I will keep working with him and hopefully things will get better. We will see how he is tonight when he gets home. On the good side of things though my amazing fiance has been at his new job for only a week and yesterday they gave him a promotion up to store manager and gave him a 60% pay increase!!! That is awesome news, I want in the worst way to stay a SAHM and take care of the kids and the housework and if things keep going like this for him at his new job then that wish will eventually come true. I also got to talk to Trinidee on the phone, she is so silly. She can say her full name now, she giggled and said it was a funny name. I told her that is was a beautiful name and she said I was right that it was a beautiful name. I love hearing her giggle and tell me all kinds of silly little 4 year old stories. It amazes me how quick she is growing. I can't wait to have her back with me where she belongs. My day will come and I will have the last laugh. Today I got even more coupons given to me by a family member, it made me feel like a kid on Christmas morning. So now I have to go and clip all those and reorganize and look at more deals.

This couponing thing can get a bit tiring but I refuse to give up! I also was able to get a bunch of baby clothes for little Mikey, I can't beleive that there are only 17 weeks left until I am going to be holding my little monkey. And that is if I go all the way to 40 weeks..we shall see..My favorite thing I got him was a little onsie that says daddys helper with a little toolbelt on it..I cant wait to see him in it.

Well wanted to give you a quick update on what I have been doing for the past 24 hours. Nothing too exciting as you can see. Damien should be home in an hour, I am going to sit him down to do his homework and then maybe take him to the library. I still have to cut my moms hair sometime before the day is out. Been saying I was going to do that for weeks now..oops! And then I have to make spaghetti for dinner, I swear if we could we would have spaghetti every night in this family. Its quick easy and tastes good. Well until next time! Have a good one :)

Ah, the beginning....

So here I am, everyone is still in bed. Well not everyone, my son Damien is at school. He is 8 and in the 3rd grade. Oh the joys of 8-year-olds. Anywho, I have been debating on writing a blog for quite some time now. I love to write and I always need a place to vent. I am great at giving advice but not too great at taking my own advice. This morning I woke up and I sat at the computer and was like well lets get this started then. I am going to use the oppurtunity to introduce myself and tell you a bit about what is to come in my blog. Lets get started shall we?..My name is Dawnielle and I am a mother of 2 children, expecting my third. I had my son when I was 17, yeah I know I was young but I managed. I was a high school dropout and so I got my GED before he was born. I then started hair school and meet my daughters father. Still I was young and naive so I spent 5 years with him. 5 years of cheating and emotional abuse. I had my daughter when I was 21. Her name is Trinidee, she will be 5 in April. She currently lives with her father but that is a long story and a whole other blog post for a future date. I am now with an amazing man that treats me right and gives me the world. We are expecting our son in May. We are very excited. He was kind of an oops but we couldn't be happier. We are naming him after daddy so he is going to be Michael James III. So that is me in a nut shell. As you can see, when I write my posts I am not going to be all grammatically correct or anything. I am writing it as if I am sitting in front of you talking to you. This blog is going to be about my every day life. My struggles and my successes, I am also going to be giving advice. Like I said I am great at giving it but not good at taking it. So if you need advice post an anonymous comment (if you want to stay anonymous) and at the end of each week I will write a blog answering your questions. This is my first blog so bare with me here as it may come off to a rocky start, but I promise as it goes we will laugh together and sometimes cry together. You never know you may even learn a thing or 2. Well that is it for now. I need more coffee...Have a good day :)